Hi, my name is Jessie and New Year’s Eve kicked my ass.
*Hi Jessie*
Thanksgiving and Christmas were emotional roller coasters, but both were still enjoyable and manageable. ((I’ll post about those adventures soon.))
So that is to say when NYE came I thought I could breeze by and treat it like any other day. I knew that it was going to be difficult and that I didn’t want to celebrate really. That it didn’t feel right to celebrate a year without Bryan. But, I was pretty sure that I could just ignore it and maybe find a way to make it enjoyable. I thought I had mastered the art of grieving during the holidays. I thought I could do it.
I was wrong wrong wrong.
So here is how I spent my New Year’s Eve:
Made vegan burritos
Ate said burritos while drinking a lot of champagne
Took a bath… while drinking champagne
Watched some Netflix w/ my bae champagne & Bug the cat
Called my mother while drinking champagne
Registered for a Triathlon… while drinking champagne… out of the bottle (that’s normal right??)
I then decided that I should go out and “do something” for the evening and took a v. expensive uber to Caities for a NYE party.
At this point I was like “YOU GOT THIS. KILLIN THE NEW YEARS GAME #tearfreesince2015”
And it was fine for a while…
Then we went to the roof to watch fireworks and countdown to midnight.
And then I did not have it anymore. In fact I lost it. And I just absolutely broke down.
I’m not talking delicate, sweet, subtle, one tear down the cheek crying while watching fireworks and contemplating a passing year and the possibilities of the year to come.
Oh no, my friend.
I’m talking heavy, messy, loud, hot, painful sobs. I’m talking makeup streaming down my face, ugly crying in the cold while people come over and try to console me. Bless Caitie for not leaving my side.
I then took a v. glamorous & even more expensive uber ride home.
Brightside: I did not vomit. #silverlinings
2015 was the worst year of my life (so far?) and I thought I wanted to get rid of this year as quickly as possible. To distance myself from all of the pain and saddness and loss.
But about half way through the day it really sunk in that this was the first year Bry wouldn’t be here. That saying goodbye to 2015 felt very permanent. I wrote once that every day feels like another goodbye. But this was different. This was so fucking sad and harder than I could ever have imagined.
I don’t have any greater meaning for all of this. I haven’t had enough time or distance to process this yet. All I know is that a year without Shoopy is a year that I’ll never be ready for. It’s a year that I don’t want but that I already have. So I’m going to work harder, experience more, stay honest, and try to keep an open heart.
New Year’s Eve is supposed to be this time for new beginnings and possibilities. And I guess it is. So…
Happy New Year, Sweet Baby Angels.
My friend Harley wrote this and I think it perfectly describes my hopes for all of us this new year:
2016.
Take less bullshit.
Make people earn your trust.
Step up to the plate.
Make the people you care about feel appreciated.
Moan less.
Compliment people.
Create new habits.
Spawn new culture, don’t just follow the crowd.
Be romantic.
Don’t accept less than you’re worth.
Speak your mind.
Be transparent with your intentions.
Write things down.
Learn a new skill.
Push your own boundaries.
Hold hands with your friends
