Be Gentle

Two very loved celebrities passed away this month from cancer. I know that a lot of my dear friends have taken this very hard.  I know plenty of beautiful angels  who were deeply effected by the loss of David Bowie and Alan Rickman. Two gentleman who helped shape the course of their lives.And, if these losses have touched you and you are mourning,  my heart hurts for you. Even more so, my heart hurts for their families.

 

Let me be perfectly clear: I am a strong believer that your feelings are valid. In my opinion, your feelings are your reality. No one should ever say that your feelings are not justified or important.  Whatever you feel, whatever you grieve for or about: that’s your business. Your feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s and don’t let anyone tell you any different.  No one  deserves to grieve more than anyone else.

 

But I’ve been reading a lot of statuses (stati?), articles, tweets, and posts about these passings and there is a common theme that I just can’t stop thinking about. I’ve seen a few that say something along the lines of “I feel personally victimized by cancer”. Or things saying how blindsided they feel.

 

So, today I want to share a bit of my experience.

 

Losing someone to cancer is simultaneously a complete surprise and a long and tedious form of torture.

 

Even if you know someone is sick, you never truly believe they will “lose their battle”. Somewhere deep in your heart you hope.  You think that maybe, just maybe a miracle will happen. You hope that the impossible will occur just this once. You hope that the love of your life won’t leave you behind.
Those feelings and hopes linger until the very end.

 

Losing someone to cancer is laying in a hospital bed for a week while the person you love suffers next to you.

 

Losing someone to cancer is not being able to eat because every movement, moment, and minute makes you want to vomit.

 

Losing someone to cancer is having to say goodbye multiple times, thinking that this is the moment he’s going to die but somehow he miraculously recovers one more time.

 

Losing someone to cancer is feeling hopeless as you watch your best friend’s eyes fill with fear and sadness.

 

Losing someone to cancer is making horrible decisions about pain medication and breathing machines.

 

It’s conversations about “making him comfortable”

 

It’s having a nurse tell you that he looks that way because “that’s what happens when someone is at the end of their life”.

 

It’s crying on the floor with your best friend.

 

It’s laying next to the love of your life as they stop breathing and become cold.

 

It’s being afraid of their body because they aren’t the person you love with every ounce of you anymore.

 

And it doesn’t stop there.

 

It’s shiva, it’s funerals, it’s memorials, it’s not wanting to go home.

 

It’s having to accept that the world will never look the same again.

 

It’s reliving those moments over and over again.

 

It’s talking to the air like he can hear you.

 

It’s living in a world of firsts. First birthday without him, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first New Year, first everything without him.

 

Losing Bryan to cancer is hands down the worst thing that has happened (to me & my loved ones) in my 25 journeys around the sun.

 

I say this, not to shame or embarrass or criticize. I say it because I want to ask you to be gentle. Please, please think about your words.

 

I read a post once that said “Be kind because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”.
The world is so cruel. The world is so mean and unforgiving. We need to be kind to each other. We need to be conscious of the effect our words and actions have. Sometimes that quirky post strikes a nerve and shakes someone to their core.

 

And more importantly, I say all of this because this is something that shouldn’t happen any more. We shouldn’t live in a world where people have to die of cancer. There should be something we can do. We should have a cure. We shouldn’t have to live in a world where such loss exists.

 

It’s not enough to write “Fuck Cancer” on social media. It’s not enough to say “this is so sad” and then continue about our lives. We need to do something about this. I don’t know what yet, but I’m taking suggestions.

1 comment

  1. Beautifully articulated and so important for the world to read. Once again, Jessie, your strength and insight impresses and inspires me. Love you always, and love this post.

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