Call me Violet

The day of the funeral my best friend (Ariel) and my lovely roommates (Laura and Lila) staged an intervention telling me they all thought I needed to take some time away from NY. After almost an hour of serious and intense discussion Max (Ariel’s husband) stands up after being silent the whole time and says, “Jessie…Mi casa es su casa”. Max is ridiculous & wonderful. So, it was settled. The day after Bryan’s burial I left Massachusetts for San Francisco. My beautiful angel of a best friend and her wonderful husband opened their home to me.

It was emotional and strange to leave, but it is probably the only decision I’ve made since Bry’s death that I am positive was the right one.
So, there I was in California, surrounded by the most loving friends, puppies, and sudo-famiy a girl could ask for. Sunshine, In-N-Out, and a neutral place to grieve privately for a few weeks. It also felt completely surreal.

A few days in to sitting shiva someone asked me, “What do you like to do in Brooklyn” and I realized that I didn’t have an answer.

My whole life has been 3 things for the past year:

1. Going to see Bryan

2. Training for the Pan-Mass Challenge

3. Working like a crazy person to afford both of those things.

Now all of those things either:

A. Don’t exist any more or

B. Seem really meaningless in the face of tragedy

And let’s be 100% clear: I would give anything in the world to have that version of life back. But, since I cant…. I realized that I don’t know what I like to do, where I like to go, or what I want to do with my life. And when you lose someone as amazing as Bryan (who literally had over 500 people attend his funeral and was the definition of incredible) it’s hard not to think “Well if I’m still here I better fucking step up my game”. Thus began the list.

I’ve made a list, that I’m probably not going to share here, of all the things I’d like to do. Things that I know I’ve enjoyed in the past, things I think I’d enjoy, things I was supposed to do with Bryan, things that have nothing to do with Bryan, and places I’d like to see. Little things, big things, goals, whatever! It’s all on there. It’s a big list and it’s still growing. ((Now accepting suggestions))

I’m lucky enough to have some absolutely amazing friends who are blindly supporting me through this endeavor. Basically they’re saying “Yes, and…” to all of the activities I suggest. I’m lovingly referring to this as my “identity crisis”. Too real? Yeah, probably. I’m trying to push myself to do things I never in a million years thought I would do. I’m trying to fufill all those clichés and annoying pinterest inspiration posts- Siezing the damn day, living each day to it’s fullest, doing something each day that scares you, blah blah blah, etc etc etc.
I jokingly said to Ariel that I wanted to change my name to Violet. So now, whenever I suggest something ridiculous or outrageous she says, “Calm down, Violet”.

So…it’s been fun. It’s been very active. I’ve done so many things. I’m trying to keep as busy as possible to keep my mind off of how sad I am. I’m actively trying to run myself in to the ground so I can sleep at night. I’m trying to do this in the healthiest way possible.

But here is the thing about losing your partner: it fucking sucks. Everything that I do is colored by this loss. I think about how much Bryan would love (or hate) whatever I am doing. And whenever I finish a new activity or check something off my beloved (lengthy) list I think about how much I would love to tell Bryan about it. He would be the first person I’d tell. I can hear him say, “Way to go, Shmoo!”

So it’s give and take. It’s ups and downs. It’s an hour at a time.

But for now….

Call me Violet.

<3