Amadeus

 So for those of you just tuning in, I’m new to this blogging thing & pretty much technologically inept. Meaning, setting up this blog has been a hoot. Here’s the thing about blogs: they are a lot of work to put together. And that’s AFTER the hours of work professional strangers put in to make it easier for chumps like me.

Thanks friends!

Any way, in order for the page to function it needs a theme. For you other newbies: themes are basically just a page layout that you can then go in and decorate/add your ramblings in to. As you can imagine there are about 5 trillion themes to choose from. Give or take. So here I am at 1am looking through theme after theme, with a very minimal knowledge of what a blog looks like, zero thought put in to how I’d like my blog to look, and watching the clock tick down to my 5am alarm. Did I mention I’m not sleeping well? I’m not sleeping well. And then I see it, a theme called Amadeus.

So I don’t know if you have ever lost someone, but I’m assuming the majority of people reading this are probably still reeling from losing Bryan so I feel like you’ll understand. People will say,“It’s a sign from him” or “He’s everywhere” or “He’s right here with us” or “He’s guiding you” to you a lot… Like A LOT a lot. Which is absolutely meant lovingly, is so kind, and is such a wonderful idea. Some people even see signs from my buddy (or their lost loved one) frequently.

I’m not sure if I’m one of those people yet. See, when Bryan left us my reality changed. My understanding of how the world worked changed. In my first post I wrote that I “knew” that Bryan would get better. That is an understatement. I don’t know how to accurately describe the feeling, but if you had asked me to put my life, your life, everyone I know’s life on a bet that Bryan would get better and beat this, I would have. Also a good time to note: I’m a shitty gambler. There was never even a shred, of an inkling, of a shadow of a doubt that Bryan wasn’t going to get better and be okay. In the bottom of my soul I knew it. I woke up every day and no matter what any one said or what happened I was okay because I knew we would get through it stronger than ever.

I was really fucking wrong.

That’s a hard thing to wrap my head around. My whole world was built on this understanding that Bryan would be better and we would be together for the next forever. So understandably, I have a hard time feeling certain about what I believe. Is there an afterlife? Are there ghosts? Are there angels? Are there spirits? Is there a spiritual energy? Is there a greater universal power? Is Bryan looking after me? Don’t ask me, I’m the bitch batting 0-1000 (and losing your money at a casino).

The point is that I’m jealous of those people who see signs. I’m jealous of the people who get messages from Bryan. I wish that I could let myself believe those things. To be honest I’m sort of scared to decide that I believe in those things. I feel like I’m a jinx. What if I am like, “Yes in my heart I know that I am being given a sign right now” and I’m wrong/it goes away/I’ve ruined something?

BUT tonight while searching through the first trillion themes for this blog, I saw this one. And this theme’s name happens to be, “Amadeus” (bringing it back). Bryan once directed a show called Amadeus. It is a show that people are apparently still raving about at his high school. From what I’ve heard it was brilliant, beautiful, and touched the lives of so many people who worked on it. It’s a show I wish that I could’ve seen. And Bryan was ****so**** proud of it.
So, tonight, at 1am I have decided on a blog theme. Tonight at 1am I have decided that, just this once, I’ve gotten my own little sign from Bryan.

<3

“Go to sleep, Shmoo”