Normally when a relationship ends it’s because two people are done with one another. They choose to part ways. They choose to move on. They choose to say goodbye. Bryan and I didn’t choose. We weren’t done. In a lot of ways we hadn’t even really begun yet.
Unfair
- Not based on or behaving according to the principles of equality and justice.
- Unkind, inconsiderate, or unreasonable.
- Not following the rules of a game or sport.
Unfair is a word I have always struggled with. When you are surrounded by something like cancer it’s a word that gets thrown around a lot. Bryan and I used to talk a lot about the idea of illness being “unfair”. Long story short was that we thought it was inappropriate to say a tragedy was “unfair”. What would make it fair? Did one human being deserve this tragedy more than another? Of course not. It always just seemed entitled to talk about it like that. It’s in the same vien as “This shouldn’t have happened to someone like you”.
What does that mean??
Would you say, “You don’t deserve this horrible thing. But that guy over there?? Look at him. Yeah, he definitely deserves it.” How can you say that? Who gets to make that call?
But, no matter how I look at it, this just feels so unfair. It feels fucked up and horrible. I look at this situation. I think about how amazing my Shoo was/is. I look at all the people who’s lives have been absolutely shattered by this loss. I think about his incredible family and the hole in it that can’t be filled. I think about the fact that this man fought for over a decade to live. That he beat this over and over again just to lose. And to be honest I’m really fucking angry about it. I know this must be how everyone feels, but this is just the single most unfair thing that has ever happened.
I’m struggling with this idea. I’m struggling with the idea that Bryan isn’t coming back. I’m struggling with the fact that he didn’t get better. I’m struggling with the idea that people are moving on. I’m struggling with the fact that I know some part of me will never move on. That this is an event that has changed me on a cellular level.
Tonight I’m struggling with the fact that I’ve had the great love of my life and that I had to say goodbye so quickly. I’m struggling with the fact that I didn’t really get to say goodbye at all.
<3
