Lately I have been thinking a lot about my regrets.
I guess grieving does that.
Regrets that I have:
Not spending more time together
Not making time/ waiting for more “convenient”times to do some of the big things on our list of stuff to do together (trips, events, etc)
Saying horribly mean things while angry
Letting my emotions take control and ruin/color happy moments
Letting work dictate visits/not always putting Bryan first
Not cherishing every moment we had together
Not answering every phone call
Being distracted or not present
Fighting at all
Not being there the days before he entered hospital for the last time
Not being there for the first days in the hospital before that awful phone call
Crying so much in the hospital because I’m afraid he could hear me and it scared him
And a regret that plays on repeat for me is the last time I saw Bryan “out of the hospital”
I put that in quotes because it literally happened in the hospital.
It was the Monday following the PMC. We drove in to the city so Bryan could get another round of treatment. The plan was that he would finish the treatment, we’d go to South Station, and I’d be on my way back to NY. I was headed home earlier than originally planned because Ariel had come to NY for work and we were going to spend a few days together on the East Coast.
Everything of course took longer than expected. Bryan wasn’t feeling well, he was having a lot of pain, so they were trying to figure out where that was coming from before starting the treatment. Since everything was running over I had to call a cab and leave directly from the hospital. I remember sitting next to Bryan in the infusion chair, calling the cab, and deciding to go grab my bags from the car so I’d be able to spend more time with Bry after. I rushed to the parking garage and then came straight back to the room. I should have had at least a few more minutes, but when I arrived I was told that the cab was already down stairs and I had to leave immediately before it left. I was so frazzled I started crying. I didn’t want to leave him so quickly. I hated leaving him when he was obviously in pain. It felt so rushed it caught me off guard and overwhelmed me. And he told me it was okay, he kissed me goodbye, and he told me he loved me. And I left. I got in the cab, I went back to NY, and I spent a fun few days with my best friend.
And I never got to hear him speak without a breathing machine again. I never heard him speak with his full voice again.
He went back to the Cape for maybe a day. The days all blur together now. He was readmitted somewhere in the time line and was eventually transferred to Boston Children’s. I didn’t go back immediately because we all thought he was okay. I was going to be back that weekend and I felt like I had to be at work because I’d taken so much time for the PMC and Ariel’s visit. Everyone agreed that it would be better for me to stay in NY and come back in a few days “when he was more coherent” “this weekend when he’s better” “when he’ll really know you’re here”. It was only a few days. But I should have gone. I never should have left.
I’m trying to not be mean to myself right now. But it’s proving to be much harder than expected.
I guess I just need to say: I loved and love Bryan Max with every thing I’ve got. And I just wish that I had taken the time to be more present. I wish I had been better.
<3
1 comment
Oh, Jess. Tough times. Some things to think about:
You did everything you could for Bryan and the 2 of you and spent every minute you could w/ Bryan. Nobody could have done more and nobody could have done it better.
Your specific regrets basically fall into 2 categories: You wish you were a better person and you wish you knew then what you know now.
As to the first, that’s a fine wish, shared by pretty much everyone I know. We all work at it, some w/ more success than others, but we all have a long ways to go. Everything you describe just says you’re a human being with all the failings and limitations we all have. Had you fixed all those things you’d either be a saint or one half of a very stilted unsatisfying relationship. There are lots of parts to life and having to make money and hold on to a job and not always being at your best are all parts of it. As you know as well as anyone, one thing Bryan insisted upon was that all of us live our “normal” lives as best we could. He would have hated it if you never said mean things, always answered every call, blew off work to visit him or never fought. I mean it, he would have hated it.
The second part is an easy trap to fall into. Sure if we all knew the way things would play out there are things we might have done differently. But we didn’t know. None of us knew. We did the best we could knowing what we knew and believing what we believed. Every one of those specific decisions you mention was the right decision at the time and Bryan thought so too. I was there – I know.
Hang in there, kid. There’s plenty to grieve over. But your (in)actions at the time are not among them.