Month 6

It’s been 6 months since Bryan passed away. 6 months without my favorite person on Earth. 6 months without someone’s son, brother, nephew, and friend. 6 months since the world got a little less bright.

It’s not an exaggeration to say Bryan was the best gift to my life.  I’m pretty difficult. I’m stubborn, blunt, kinda crazy, absolutely neurotic. I’m not an easy person to love.  And to be honest, I wasn’t in a good mental place when I met Bryan. He showed me how to give and receive love, even when I didn’t deserve it. Especially when I didn’t deserve it.

He pushed me to be a better person, to fight for what I want, to take better care of myself, and to be brave.  He was more than just my significant other. He was my best friend, my love, my partner, and my family.

I wrote a while back that I’ve stopped crying in public as much.

That was short lived.

Maybe it’s the weather turning or where the planets are. Whatever the root cause may be, the fact of the matter is that a few days ago I cried pretty substantially in the window of the grocery store next to my job. And then in the backroom at work. And then outside on the sidewalk next to Chase bank.

Side note: It’s v. convenient when I start crying at work because nothing screams, “Buy bubbles from me!” like damp eyes and red noses. *Glamor* *Luxury*

MK wrote something truly beautiful today:

Today is the six month anniversary of the worst day of my life. Or maybe that wasn’t the worst day. Maybe the worst was the day a week or so before when I finally realized that Bryan was not going to recover. Or maybe it was the day in March 2015 when the surgeon told us the surgery hadn’t worked. Or the day in 2002 when Bryan was first diagnosed or any one of the days since August 16 2015 when the reality washes over me too many times….. I guess there were a lot of bad days.  

But on this anniversary, without discounting the pain I feel, that so many of us feel, and while wondering how it’s possible that I’ve now lived 6 months without Bryan alive and while I am so mad that he won’t get to experience so much going forward, I am really focusing on the good days. Because the only reason I feel the sadness so deeply today is that I had the privilege of so many many good days and because Bryan had so many extraordinary ones. Like January 25, 1989, the day he was born. Or the day he finally got to get on the school bus to go to Burr and marched on so proudly. Or the day he went off to Wazi–and the day he came back. Or the night he gave his first incredible performance in Blues for Mr. Charlie and realized how much he loved acting. Or the 2004 Super Bowl.Or so many days traveling with Jeff and Jeremy and me–and many of you. Or the night he and Dan took their final bows at Amadeus. Or the day he graduated from high school after two years of chemo hell and won the Boy’s Senior Cup. Or BC graduation day–or so many days at BC when I saw the joy and mischief in his eyes as he experienced the hell out of the place. Or the day he got into ART, which was a doubly good day because it was the day I saw Jessie congratulating him and supporting him on the choice to stay in Boston for grad school, even though they’d be apart longer and I realized he had found someone really wonderful to love. Or any one of a huge number of more ordinary but still wonderful days of a life well-lived and well-loved. I know you all have so many of those to remember. 

So it’s the images attached which I am keeping in the forefront today and celebrating today–along with so many others like them that are stored in my head and my heart. The joy so evident in them was and is real and won’t ever go away.

Here are two of the pictures MK attached,and also a few I found on my computer.

I miss you every day, buddy.

<3

^^Two buddies just hanging out on google chat

^^Livin his best life

^^Those shoes though

^^Bry LOVING a magic show

^^Handsome, as always