Mindful Movements

Dear Frans,

 

It’s been a while.

 
I had two back-to-back days off of work, a luxury that I had been looking forward to after a long week of painfully early mornings.

 

Once Friday actually rolled around I found myself too tired to move, let alone check anything off of my to do list. I felt like all I could do was sleep for hours on end.

 

I did manage to do a few things: pilates, cook dinner for a friend, take a long walk in the park. For the most part though all I could do was sit in my home watching Criminal Minds. I understand that rest is important, but for some reason this weekend absolutely kicked my ass. (Read: ended with me sobbing myself to sleep) ((#glamour))

 

Being who I am, I immediately started to over think why I was feeling so pathetic. Which led me here:

 

I got my chakras adjusted in February (JUDGE ME) and Guru (seriously) asked me when and why I started running. I explained my fanatic behavior: how I just decided one day that I would be a runner and how I really hurt myself during my borderline obsessive half marathon training.

 

Guru then asked me, “Okay, so what are you running from?”

 

Has anyone ever asked you,

 

“Are you okay?”

 

and then you spiral into a moment of

 

“…I don’t know… AM I OKAY??!?! MAYBE I’M NOT OKAY”

*sob*sob*sob*

 

No?

 

Yeah cool, me neither. I was asking for a friend.

 

Anyway, I told him my full life story from August til now.

 

Because I’ma do me.

 

And then Guru told me something that, at the time, I wasn’t ready to hear.

 

“ I see a lot of people start running and they all have their specific reasons. But, what you need to do now is take care of yourself mentally. Running, especially long distances as frequently as you are, can sometimes be a way to abuse your body. Obviously you haven’t dealt with this fully and you’re using all this activity as a way to distract yourself and manifest your pain physically. You’re punishing yourself. So this is your body forcing you to slow down and deal with YOU.”

 

He then went on to tell me to take a bath surrounded by amethyst, build a shrine to Bryan, and a bunch of other things that I’m still not fully down to clown with. Give & take.

 

So, I was like “LOL BYE GURU”

 

I never contacted/saw him again

I stopped running

I stopped writing here

I stopped moving forward in a lot of aspects of my life

 

I spoke about that experience a little, but mostly in a critical or judgemental way.

 

Then something found it’s way back to me yesterday:

 

“Judgments and commentary in our minds often try to disguise themselves as observations and experiences, but it’s simply the fear of what is to come blinding us from what is in front of us.”

 

 

I apparently said that to my friend Katie in April of 2013, and she posted it on Facebook. Since the internet is forever, it popped up in my notifications yesterday.

 

Jessie circa 2013 was a lot wiser & more accepting than Jessie ‘16.

 

All of that is to say that I’m trying to get back in to the swing of things. So here are my April 2016-infinty goals:

Observe and Experience more

Worry and judge less

Take care

Write more

Train slowly with a healthy mindset

Move forward mindfully

(Maybe find a therapist?)

 

 

I’m hoping that this helps make those static days fewer and farther between.

 
Happy Sunday

<3