Marathon vs. Sprint

Today, like every day, I miss my best friend. Today, like every day, I remind myself that this is a marathon not a sprint. I remind myself that it’s okay to have moments that feel like time is standing still & that I am moving backwards.

 
A few weeks ago MK came to visit. We had a fun and joyful weekend that included a room full of friends and strangers chanting her name. #ladyboss

The next morning she and I went to brunch and sat in a bright window on a rainy day. We spoke (and cried) about a lot of things; but something that I think about daily is that, in a lot of ways, this is harder now than it was before.

Of course, the grief and the shock were all encompassing those first months. Waves of emotion hit so hard that they all but paralyze you, physically knocking the wind out of you, and bringing you to the floor.

Now things are different.

Those paralyzing moments are now farther in between, but they are in no way less painful. What sits in their place is sort of hard to describe: a constant emptiness, a dullness, an ache, but mostly an understanding.
A few days ago I wrote a status about one of my many crazy Uber experiences. Truly, my life is a sitcom—at least when it comes to my encounters with strangers & any form of transportation.

Status for reference:

I’m in an uber today when a mini van pulls up next to us and signals my driver to roll down the window. She appears to just be a nice older woman. When he finally rolls the window down she says, “I have a weird question for you. Did you get some kind of alert saying I’m a threat? Be honest…….I knew it. My brother committed a crime 20 years ago and I am still paying for it. I am 60 years old AND IT NEVER ENDS. Do you believe in a justice like that? Please say no.” *green light we both drive away*

 
What I didn’t write was that moments before that happened we went through the tunnel that connects Brooklyn and Manhattan. Normally, I try to avoid taking Ubers in to Manhattan at all costs. Mostly because the actual cost is ridiculous. But for the past few days I have had to take Ubers to work though because of train delays and the fact that I am so tired I can hardly move.

 
Anyway, we took the tunnel and somewhere in the mix of total exhaustion, minor claustrophobia, and a flood of memories – **boom** another wave hit.

Bryan used to drive in to the city. He would drive from Boston in to Manhattan, he’d drive straight to my work and would walk in the doors and my whole day would get brighter. Then we’d drive home to Brooklyn and for some reason, we’d always take that stupid tunnel. He’d always say something along the lines of “Okay here we go” and he’d distract me or I’d close my eyes while we made our way to the other side. He’d hold my hand, I’d take a celebratory out-of-tunnel breath, and we’d continue on our way home.
So as all of these memories started to rush in, I stifled a panic attack.

Gotta keep that 5 star Uber rating, ya know?

I touched up my makeup, experienced my sitcom/Criminal Minds moment, and made my way to work.
 

There was a time when I would wake up every morning having forgotten that he was gone. A time when I felt like he was just around the corner, or I might roll over and see him across the room. A time where I felt like he was just gone for a little while, on some great adventure where there was no cellphone service, but that he’d be back soon with lots of stories. Those moments were brief as, inevitably, all the awful memories creeped back. But they existed.

Now, I wake up with the knowledge that he is gone. Now, there is never a moment I forget. There is never a moment that I think that buzz is a text or call from him. There is never a moment that I think he’s going to walk in those doors at work.

<3