I dreamt about Bryan for the first time on October 10th. It was brief. He was in a hospital bed, but he was like he was before. Totally alert, totally present, moving around, gesturing like crazy, and telling stories. I got to hug him and I felt his cheek on mine.
And then I woke up.
The weird part is that even in the dream I realized that he was only there for a moment. It was like I knew it was just a dream. But, I was still so excited.
It took me almost 2 full months before I got to see him. I’m scared it won’t happen again.
And while we’re at it—
I don’t know how to talk about Bry. I find myself still calling him my boyfriend. That’s what he feels like. My love. I guess I just feel a little crazy saying that.
I recognize that he’s not here and he’s not coming back. But sometimes, just for a moment, I forget and it feels like he’s just gone for a little while. Like he’s on some great adventure where cell phones don’t exist. Like he’s going to be back any day now and tell me all about it. I know that’s not true though.
I understand what has happened. That’s a question the social workers, nurses, and doctors asked me repeatedly in the hospital. “Do you understand what is happening?” “Do you understand where he’s at?” “Do you understand what this means?” and my answer is still the same, “Yes. It just doesn’t always feel real.”
It hurts. That’s all.
I’ve just been thinking about that a lot.
