Something has been weighing pretty heavily on me for the past few days.
I’ve written before that I’m not sure if I believe in signs from Bryan. That I don’t see them and it makes me sad, that I’m afraid to believe that they might be real, etc. But even as someone who is extremely skeptical/anxious about it, I sometimes find myself thinking I’m getting little signs.
Something good happens and I think “Thanks, Shoo” or I feel like he’s around for a second and it’s comforting. I guess I accidentally slipped in to this place of “Maybe there are signs and he is watching over me” or “Maybe he’s not totally gone”.
Friday night I had a dream about Bryan.
He told me that I wasn’t the person he thought I was.
He told me he was disappointed in me and didn’t love me.
He told me he wouldn’t be watching over me any more.
He also told me most of this on a Post-It, which in dream land was extra upsetting.
Saturday morning I woke up and tried to shake it off as just a dream, which ended with me crying for about 2 hours in my empty apartment.
Saturday morning I learned that being in a place of “he’s watching over me” works both ways.
Logically I know that this is just a dream and my subconscious is playing mean tricks on me. Maybe this was just a way of my body telling me I needed to slow down and cry for a little while. Maybe I needed to take a second to process and check in with myself. But I can’t help but think about it still, multiple days later.
I guess this is why I didn’t want to believe in signs in the first place. I don’t want to think about disappointing him or not making him proud.
I’m just afraid.
I recognize that is crazy and illogical. I recognize that this dream does not define who I am or who we were. I recognize that Bryan loved me and that this is a horrible situation that I am still trying to wrap my brain around. I recognize that Dream Bryan is not real Bryan. I recognize that Dream Bryan is kind of a jerk.
Saturday afternoon I ran 6.2 miles. I ran until I couldn’t focus on anything else except running. I ran to make Bryan proud of me. I ran to feel a little stronger and to prove to myself that I am okay and capable of doing things. I ran for the endorphins and to tire myself out so that I would be able to sleep. Which I did, but I’ve still had nightmares the past two nights.
So, forgive me. I don’t really know why I’m telling you this. To be honest, there’s a part of me that is afraid that you’ll think less of me. That you might feel like this dream *was* a sign from Bryan and that Dream Bryan is right. There is a bigger part of me that knows (hopes) you won’t feel that way.
I’m working on it, but it’s hard.
Today, I am wish that I could call him after a bad dream and get reassurance.
<3
3 comments
He just didn’t want you to leave after T’giving. Sending huge reassuring hug.
Dear Jessie,
It is hard to imagine that the world only exists in three dimensions, and that there aren’t a number of other interesting things transpiring in the ethers. The quantum physicists certainly believe in a multidimensional reality, and so do I. That being said: the world of omens and portents and dreams is a tricky one. Last year, I was convinced that a number of omens were so specific and credible that I HAD to believe in them. When all of them dead-ended for me, I was both confused and disappointed. What happened? What went wrong? Why had “They” let me down?
I am still muddling over this. Maybe it never stops. But all the same, it is important to treat reality as a large gift basket that contains all sorts of surprises. Some of which you may find delicious, and others you will detest. The important thing is: be kind to yourself on the journey. All of this horrible stuff you are going through is somehow connected to your own growth as a person, to your own heart. You will come out stronger and more compassionate and more awake in the end, as excruciating as it is. Never question the validity of your thoughts. We are all here to help you process them, to encourage your honesty, to send love. Just keep sharing, as messy as it may be. I think we can say with a good deal of certainty: It’s what Bryan would have wanted.
Jess, I believe that you wrote this post because we, those who know and love you, can be here for you when you can’t make that call to Bry. WE can give you the reassurance that this was indeed just a bad dream.
The distinctions between Dream Bryan and Real Bryan are many and they are huge. Most importantly, like my sis, I saw the pride and love in Bry’s eyes – not just when he saw you riding the PMC, but when he talked about you and when he was with you.
As you know, I strongly believe that Bryan is still very much with us. Not just with me, but with us. I don’t know what this means and I know it is very hard for many to comprehend/ accept. However, I believe that when any of us feel that Bryan is with us, he is. Is this his spirit, his energy, his love? I don’t know. But, it is something that I am open to learning more about and I am going to be open to whatever “it” may be.
Each of us is dealing with the loss of our Bry in our own ways. Sometimes we can handle it and sometimes the waves of grief and loss are so huge and so frequent that it seems like they’ll never be manageable. But, I feel like I’m learning how to float a bit better, how to kick to the surface with a bit more strength, how to [sometimes] get my head ducked under just before the crest of a big one crashes down upon me. They’ll most likely always be there to some extent…but, know that there are many trying their best to stay afloat and that there are many hands, arms, backs and hearts ready to give you support, strength and love.
And, as hard as the waves may be to handle, I am choosing to embrace them. For, it seems quite clear that we hurt so much, and the waves are so big, because Bry was such a huge presence and lived such a big life, with so much love and passion.