Hello Sweet Humans,
Happy New Year! It’s been a while. How are you? I hope you’re doing better than “well”. I hope you’re fantastic and amazing and passionate and firey and all the good things all at once.
I’m writing to you from an airplane.
Witchcraft.
(( Question: How long can you be gone before you lose your status as a Brooklyn resident? You can still say you live there as long as you’re actively paying rent…right? ))
I’m on my way to Florida for the majority of January.
As some of you know my Abuelo is very sick. It’s complicated…with a lot of moving parts… but the spark notes version is as follows:
On Christmas Eve I found out that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer, that the cancer has already spread to his bones, and that he is refusing treatment.
On Christmas Eve, I found out that one of my favorite people-the man with one of the quickest wits I’ve ever experienced- the man who ran SEVEN marathons after the age of 50- the man who biked up mountains and across Florida for fun- has chosen to die.
It’s weird to be experiencing this now. This feels so different from what happened before. He’s older. He’s tired. He doesn’t want to deal with treatment. He is visibly in so much pain.
But he also didn’t try.
He didn’t tell anyone until it was far too late for us to do anything.
And more importantly, he doesn’t want us to do anything.
I sat next to him on Christmas Eve. We sat on the porch of the house he built, on the bench swing that we spent hours on when I was small. We sat there and I asked him if he was scared and he said,
“No, baby. You know this is different. This isn’t like what happened with you and with your boyfriend. That was awful. I’m old. I’ve lived so much and now I’ve just got the scraps left.”
And then he paused and said,
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not volunteering, I’m not a come mierda (shit eater)” .
And we laughed and that was the end of the conversation.
This is so different. But it is, at the same time, so familiar.
I hate that this feels familiar.
One of my biggest regrets after losing Bryan was not being present for those days leading up to his last hospital stay. There are a lot of different facets that go in to that. That is a whole other topic, one that has been discussed on this platform many a time, but the point is that I never want to have that regret again.
So that is what I am doing. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people who are helping me get to Florida to spend the last few weeks, days, or hours of my Abuelo’s life with him. With my family.
I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel helpless. But mostly, I feel grateful.
So, dear loved ones I want you to know that you are important. You are loved. You are a priority. I hope that you know that though we may not speak as consistently as we should, I am here for you. Whenever you need.
I have a lot of feelings about resolutions. Mostly of the skeptical and negative variety. But, this year I’m making an exception. My resolution for 2017 is to be present and stay grateful. And that is what I wish for you too, sweet friends.
I hope that you hold your loved ones a little bit closer and call whomever you’ve been meaning to call. I hope that you take a moment to be present with them. I hope you take a moment to be present with yourself. To look around and appreciate all the little things that we take for granted. To be thankful for your body and all that it does for you every day.
Today I am thankful for friends, family (given and chosen), the unbelievably supportive company I work for, and this small piece of the Internet.
Today I am traveling to Florida.
Today I am traveling to say “I love you” and “You matter to me”.
Today I am traveling to say goodbye.
<3
