Apple King

I went apple picking with Veronica a few days ago. There were apple & pear trees, a pumpkin patch, apple cider doughnuts, a corn maze, a beautiful pond, fresh pressed cider, local honey combs, and a lot of car dancing during the roadtrip upstate.
It was so much fun.

And I feel weird about that. I’m so thankful for that day. It was needed, it was enjoyable, it was a perfect fall day. But it also made me sad. You know that movie “Inside Out” from Pixar? That’s what it feels like. Happy moments and then sadness touches the lens.

 
The first time I went apple picking was last year with Bryan. I was in MA for Will & Lauren’s engagement party and at some point in the evening someone mentioned apple picking. Immediately I was like “YES LET’S” because #basic (but truthfully because #pie). So the next morning Bryan and I got up early and drove to an apple orchard. We picked apples, we car danced, we went to a wine tasting (with pretty gross wine), and then we went home and we made a pie. I called Bryan the Apple King all day. Just ‘cause.

It was a magical day. The perfect fall day.

And I guess all of that is to say that I feel guilty about having another perfect fall day. Because truly a day without Bryan cannot be perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist anymore.

The truth is that it makes me feel awful when I enjoy something without him. It makes me feel guilty, disrespectful, and most of all selfish.

At the same time, I recognize that it’s okay and it’s necessary to continue. I recognize that he would want me to be happy and continue living my life. But it’s hard. It’s hard to do things without him. It’s frustrating to know that I don’t get to tell him about what’s going on. It’s upsetting to do things we had planned to do together. It’s shitty to not have your best friend anymore.

Someone recently wrote to me, “I’m hoping, too, that you can figure out how to be as patient with yourself as I know you are capable of being.”

I just think that’s the nicest hope for someone. And I’m trying, but every time I look at the sky I think about Bryan. Because to me blue skies feel like Bryan. Happy moments feel like Bryan.

Everything feels like Bryan.

So that’s it, I guess. I just wanted to share that.

<3

This is a poem my friend Abby wrote. I read it for the first time a few nights ago right after apple picking. I read it and it just immediately took me back to that apple picking trip with Bryan. So here you go:

“Loving you is pancakes without chocolate chips, but real maple syrup.

The good shit, ya know?

Because breathing you is the best parts of New England.

Holding your hand is a clean breeze on my naked back.

It’s fresh cut grass, with no allergic reaction, loving you.

Loving you is wind chimes.”